Last day of twenties..

It’s my birthday today and I am sad because it would be the first day of thirties for me ..

First things first..I never liked my birthday.. somehow it always ended badly.. my parents like most of good parents celebrated it with unparalleled joy.. they had their share of happiness for their child and I had none..over the years they did their bit but it was ruined when left just to me..

I grew up to be an ugly teenager who suffered from borderline introvercy and that was enough to make the birthdays in my teens suck.. there were no outings with friends..no lavish parties..infact I was quite sure the whole concept was flawed and overhyped..it went just like this for many years but things changed around 11 years ago.

I met someone and fell in love..she had the same birthday..and for once I felt the joy on this date..not for me but for her.. for me it became the day I celebrated her and that gave me few great memories over the years.. but like all good things that had to pass too..

Having an affair in this country is scandalous but loving someone truly is a sin.. and over the years I have faced so much over this that I sit here alone in dark today.. saying goodbye to the twenties and welcoming the age of suffering..

I understand that time doesn’t stop for anyone and we are born to just watch it passing by..no matter what we do no matter who we are..we can’t control it and thus in our folly we celebrate it..just like the gods of ancient times..fire and rain and diseases..we couldn’t control them so we made festivals out of them..

What else is our birthday then.. just a mark..a blip in the tide of time that our end is closer and one day we wouldn’t wake up and there wouldn’t be a birthday ever to bother about. 

Mumbai as I saw it..

I was in Mumbai till yesterday and I really loved the city.. There is a certain vibe in that city..there is a calm even in the Hustle.. 

It’s a city that seem to have optimised urban life much more then other metropolitan cities.. therefore the old world charm coinsides with the new world pace

And ofcourse the sea adds to that..In chemistry they say the latent heat of water results in more uniform temperature in coastal areas.. that means there are no hard summers or hard winters but I guess it’s more then that..the sea gives the people here a more fluid personality..they are open to adapt and are more free flowing in their approach.

I was there mostly for work but evenings were utilised for exploring and I wish there was more..like the Sanjay Gandhi national forest area in Borivali had that quaint vibe and great views which can’t be seen in an evening or even an day..

The kanheri caves visit was special in its own regard..standing inside the oldest Satupa hall I felt something unusual..the air tasted like it was from an ancient pyramid..It’s like travelling back 1000 years and seeing those monks live their life in such beautiful location amid such simplicity and wondering if that was alien to the metro that had circumvented around it.

The beauty of the region amazing..so as the philosophy of life.. In many ways it represents India as a more whole being then many other places. The concept of Unity in diversity is followed without preaching so and that’s an achievement in its own.

As I said there wasn’t enough time to explore everything or contemplate over finar nuisances of Mumbai but I have heard the city’s calling and I wish I will be back there for some more time together.

–Charn

The Intolerant

I don’t like what you eat

I don’t like what you wear..

I don’t like the names of Gods

you take daily in the prayer..

I don’t like customs you follow

Neither your happiness in rituals..

I don’t like you being on streets

Simply can’t stand the awful visuals..

I can’t let you have choice of love

Even when I don’t know the reason..

I am offended if you give an opinion

I categorically term it as treason..

And yet I think you are responsible

For all the hate I have for you..

You should be punished by me

For not doing the things that I do..

And I still claim to be the better man..

I still think my type as supreme..

And I will make the world a living hell

For those who dare to dream.

– Charn

Game of thrones and the moral compass

In my teens I absolutely hated television.. then later on I realised I had liking for some particular shows which were different, if I make a list of them I can analyse all of them raised some moral questions which makes me think.. Breaking bad was an excellent example so was the good wife..but Game of thrones has been successful in doing that again and again..season after season..brutal questions with bloody answers.

And it was with this anticipation that I approached episode 1 of season seven and I wasn’t disappointed. Two moments stood out for me in this episode. 

• Sandor Clegane reached the house of an old man who he robbed and left to starve in season 4 back when he was travelling with arya. There he finds the corpses of old man and child died in each others arms. Barrack Dandrion in truly sherlocky way deduced that they might have been starving and the old man took his and child’s life with a knife to escape the misery. Guilt comes to the hound but it’s not till the midnight that he decides to bury them and say a prayer for them. It’s very subtle but the change of heart is evident. Someone died because of his actions and he was accountable for that and it’s in his own “hound” way that he repents for that action. I liked that he forgets the prayer and instead used the words from his heart. How effectively they shown the morality in a brutal killer.
• Second moment was when Arya met lanniaster soldiers in the forest. She is an assassin now and she can kill them easily but here’s the twist ,they don’t want to kill her either. They are just normal people with normal families and polite nature and this had her effect on arya as well. It’s very well shown how she was cautious at first.. checking them out and when she realised that they are just good guys with wrong shade of red in their uniforms then she eases up and smiles. It’s so very well done so that the armies are not just reduced to paper soldiers. Now in a battle we might wish dragon may barbecue lanniaster soldiers but those being burned are just these good guys in on the bad side with no fault of their own. This moral dilemma of good and bad makes this moment so good.

It’s not a review or an analysis..there might be far more capable people for that.. I guess someone may like this show for visuals or epic story lines.. that’s always there but I feel the books and the show is bigger then that.

So looking forward to next week and more aweworthy moments..hope it gives me another reason to think aloud on the blog .

“I Learned How to Write From My Heart”

http://wp.me/p3Ca1O-6SE

It feels strange when someone else puts in words how exactly you feel at a certain time. In this case it’s a mature blogger who talks about his early days but in an essence conveys what I feel right now.

Not a Happy Ending..

“Remember me..?”

I looked at her face… off course I remembered her… more then her face her voice I remembered… this was the same voice I heard a week back and had almost fainted in the bath.

Still I tried to make a show of thinking hard… adjusted my spectacles and took a few hard looks from every angle… then said...”Aah…yes! I do remember you… what a pleasant surprise! “

She laughed… and kept laughing… so much that she had to sit down and catch a breath before answering my confused gaze “You always were a terrible liar you know…”

“How come?”

“I had been a surprise for you… but not today… not right now… maybe such a big surprise that you have hidden in your room for so many days”

Aaarggghh…she knew… but how could she knew.. I had made sure i would not be anywhere she was… the moment i heard her voice in bath and almost fainted was not the shock… shock was when i came back from that and looked behind door and saw her face… her family was behind her… sons and daughters and grandchildren.. Her voice had taken me forty years back and her face jolted me back in present… it was like getting blanched… first in boiling water followed by ice cold..

“You were avoiding me?” She chuckled

I came back from my thoughts… a lifetime of convincing people for a  job should have made it easier for me to reply… but it really wasn’t. I just blabbered “i wasn’t avoiding you…i just thought you weren’t real… you know like a delusion from past… not uncommon at my age”

“Haha…i remember there were better fairies then me in college to be a delusional episode for you right now… but sadly i am not …i am an old lady dumped here by my loved ones and i am very happy to see someone from my golden days back here with me..”

Yeah… she was right… those certainly were good days… the days when i loved her… followed her like the lamb that followed Mary. But that just felt so unreal now… it seemed like a story someone told me… didn’t feel like that had really happened.

“You know i heard about you on third day i came here… people were wondering why you were not coming out of your room… not taking your meals in common mess… they were just worried earlier but yesterday they were sure you were sick and going to die… they even told me your room was the biggest and maybe i would get it if you die” she said with a giggle..

But it wasn’t funny… this old age home was full to its normal capacity. I was here for a long time and hence enjoyed solitary confinement (that’s what i think it is)… new ones had to share rooms until someone eventually died and then they would happily move in.

“.. So i wanted to see if the mysterious guy was really going to die or not… and you can’t imagine my surprise when i saw you… but i guess you are not as happy as i am… you have barely spoken since i came”

“Naa…i am just gathering my thoughts… I had never hoped i would meet you in this lifetime… now it has happened and i am so happy i have no words..”

“Yeah… remember the first time we met… you were so shy i almost thought you were mute… how long ago was that i wonder..”

“43 years and three months…”

“Haha… you should remember days also… like they say in movies… days months days hours minutes seconds counted since you left”

I did actually remember that…23-7-1974 was the day when i first saw her…10:30 am… central hall of  Mohindra Degree college… we had just been assigned roll numbers and asked to sit in that order… she came to sit next to me… that was when i saw her first…“she is way out of my league” was what i thought… so beautiful… such grace… every step of her seemed like a new line of poetry… was she the same old lady sitting next to me ?… she was…but i wish she wasn’t.

“Yeah i remember that… our first day at college..” I forcefully summarized all I was thinking.

“Yep… time really flies doesn’t it…i remember your legs were shaking when you stood to give way to me… you were such a young boy then… but courteous.. that’s what i liked… your knack of giving respect..”

I smiled… it wasn’t so difficult as i imagined… when i had saw her from bathroom i didn’t remember the first day at college but the day we talked last… and the promise to myself that i would be dead before i will talk to her again… but here we were talking… and i wasn’t dead..

“You know i thought about you all those years…i always thought i will meet this guy somewhere… but never did… you just vanished after college…i went to every single wedding any of our batch mates had… but you never came..”

“You know why… still you ask?”

She was confused… it was the first time her smile faded since she entered my room

“I don’t understand…”

“Aah…as if forty years were not enough for you to understand… but if u still haven’t then what hope do we have now”

“Listen..i know what happened between us didn’t end well.. but you can’t hold a grudge forever..” she said in a pained voice..

“You know i can and i will… now i will appreciate you leave this room right now…” i gathered all the anger i had and had put up in this sentence for maximum impact… the words echoed for a second… the room seemed to vibrate with the anger of my words… or guess i was just trembling a bit.

But She didn’t leave… just sat silently in the corner…It was so silent I could’nt even hear her breathing…I knew I wasn’t going to forgive her…or maybe she didn’t realise that i wasn’t such a shallow guy who would forget things too easily…i had loved her… worshipped her… she was all that i had on my mind in that fateful year  of 1974…i had written pages after pages in her praises… she was the reason i was known as a poet in the college… everyone knew i loved her except her… they knew her as my muse… my inspiration… and by end of that session everyone knew she had rejected me..

“You know it might not mean anything now but i am sorry… it’s too long of a time to keep all of that anger inside..”

I looked at her… there wasn’t a hint of joy on her face…i knew she was in regretting… regretting coming to me… regretting entering this room… this house… my life.

“You know how much you broke me…i have never loved anyone that much… in fact i haven’t loved at all…i just spent my whole life in search of that acceptance that i never got from you and i don’t even have right to have a grudge ?”

What i had said was sum total of my life… after that rejection i spent all my summer sitting alone in dunes of my village… thinking why i didn’t deserve the only thing i wished…i came back a stronger person… next session we again sat together… bound by the rules of college…and i hated every single day of that…i had counted days till the time i would leave college and would never be tortured by her sight and sound.

“Listen we were just kids… let it go now… none of us can bring those times back… but we can spend our last days as friends here”

I didn’t like how casually she was taking this… but maybe she was right… there was no use making her listen to my suffering if it didn’t matter…i knew what i had to do now… i will leave this place… there wasn’t no dearth of old age homes… i can’t let myself die in agony here… but she shouldn’t know… so i lied… “It’s ok… sorry for the outrage… shouldn’t have reacted so much..”

“Aww… you are still the same courteous fellow… it’s true that our true nature never changes.. We always remain what are at the core”

“It never does…i am still what you said i was the last time we spoke.. a sentimental fool..”

“I misjudged you… you were sentimental but no fool… i did pay the price though… spent years looking for something sentimental and sensible and never found it… and i can’t tell you how sorry i am even if that sounds repetitive”

“Leave it… it’s all water under the bridges..”

“It is… but i guess we are both even now… left with nothing but ourselves… abandoned by our loved ones… just like putting someone in a hole to wait for death”

She felt deep now… deeper then she was in those days…i wished i would have forgotten her… just met her now like a stranger… befriended her for rest of my days…but how could i just forget all that… it would just be easier to leave… but had to be gentle about it… so i said “Hmm.. you are right… we are abandoned.. we only have ourselves to take care of ourselves… and that reminds me i have an appointment with the house doctor… if you don’t mind can we continue some other time..”

“Yeah sure… it’s just like that second year of college… you have to tolerate me even if you hate me …but i will be around to disturb your peace… but please.. just don’t be uncomfortable…i will make all the efforts from here on to make you comfortable… lets hope it to be a happy ending this time” her glee was back… and that was a good sign… it would make my leaving easy.

“Just one more thing i would add… you have seen some bad times so as i… but there is always another day… Always another time to correct what has been wrong… maybe you still have some anger inside today that you won’t admit but i will keep coming day after day… till the time you feel we are even enough… till the time you can consider me friend enough to say what you feel and not what you have to be just courteous…i will keep coming back till then.. That i can promise”

She left my room and i did visit the doctor…just so she would know if she was keeping tabs… her talk of “i will keep coming back” seemed like an ominous warning… it strengthened my resolve to leave… it wouldn’t be easy to fake normalcy every day with her…

All these thoughts occupied me during the evening walk which i prefer to do alone… then i came back and took my dinner in the mess like all the normal people there… she wasn’t there but heard a lot about her… her affluent family… rich husband dying early… her not fitting in that family as the sons and daughter in law’s were controlling the house now and choosing to relocate here… it seemed to me she had a good life overall and whether anyone suffered because of her at any point in her life has some meaning in that larger picture..

But i thought all night about it… how madly i was in love with her… it wasn’t this new age where people express their emotions at drop of a hat or few messages in a chat… it took me months…i had chosen the brightest day in spring and the loveliest place in the college for that occasion and it all turned to ashes… she was cold… as cold as the fire that hides inside the ice… even in her rejection there was not an iota of passion.

That was the most embarrassing day of my life… she told it to her friends… who told to others and so on… next day people were seeing me in a new light.. just in  one moment i was declared as the loser… some pitied me… some made fun of me… but nothing hurt me more than the avoidance i had earned in her eyes.. That was when i promised myself i would never look at her again… she didn’t exist for me anymore… this was what she taught me… detachment.. Over the years i got over so many things… but that started with her..

But not anymore… she was here now… she existed… and she was here for real … Someday she will raise the stories from past and bring out those memories… good ones and bad ones… how i loved to hear her stories in those days… how i wished to ne in her stories then… there was so much inside me that i wanted to share with her but what about that coldness… what about the fact that she loathed me just for loving her forty years ago… what about all that was torn inside me and no one gave a damn about… the tears i shed or the heartbreak i had… what about having emotions for someone at Every stage of life and then knowing in end that  it doesn’t matter… and after a lifetime of avoidance she had the audacity to come to me and act all friendly… what’s the use of her speaking her emotions at this stage… it was only going to be more and more hurtful from here on… so it made all the sense to move on… just find another shelter and get cosy there.

I don’t know what time i slept that night… but i woke up later then usual… There was an unusual commotion outside…i didn’t had to enquire… they told me she passed away in her sleep… maybe a heart attack… but it must have been painless..

She had told me she will make all efforts for me to be comfortable…She did that..Exactly that …But still it wasn’t a Happy ending.

A Beautiful Afternoon

She opened her eyes and looked at the clock …it was 3:30..three hours since the power cut… maybe that was the reason that fan on roof was moving unusually slow… trying to do something with last surges of power from the exhausted Power inverter…but that wasn’t going to cool things down and fresh sweat on her forehead was the proof..

She looked around…her husband was sitting in corner over a pile of papers…maybe so deep lost in words that the heat didn’t reach him at all…she smiled on her own metaphor…yep…he has his words and no heat could warm him up..

But she was uncomfortable with all the sweat so she went to the window and opened it up…sudden burst of loo hit her face…but if felt good when it touched the sweat and dried it up…she was relieved… evaporation was at work and she was getting cooled by the hot gusts of loo..

She stood there by the window and looked outside…the street was empty…the park across the street was empty and it seemed that the world behind that park was empty too…every living soul…be it animal or human was hiding somewhere in shade or home…hiding for their dear lives against the harsh sun..

But this emptiness calmed her…somehow it echoed with the emptiness inside her and this resonance strike again and again…so much that she looked towards the husband and said “it’s beautiful… Isn’t it..?”

He pulled his head up and gave her “this bitch is crazy” look and said “what?”

“This afternoon… it’s so beautiful…So peaceful…”

“Peace…with you and me trapped it a room.. It’s house arrest dear… not peace”

She felt the sarcasm in his words…she knew it was best to silently bear it but the peace she had felt gave her a certain freedom and she couldn’t stop “There is no arrest for your majesty… You are man of this house and you can’t be trapped… Feel free to step out anytime you like”

“And get a heat stroke and lose my sanity… would be a good argument for in court for your lawyer…a mad man who roams barefoot in June afternoon..”

She knew he was making one of his divorce jokes that he was so fond of… marriages are subject of majority jokes in the world and at least half of those jokes are related to divorce…but somehow this didn’t feel like a joke… it felt something else… Something that left very bad taste in her mouth…almost like a reflex action she replied “I am sure my lawyers will find far better arguments for your insanity then this one…they don’t even need witnesses you know… Everything you write is no less insane then a mental patient’s diary”

“Yeah i agree… since i have married you and moved to this mental asylum of a home it’s quite easy for me to catch the disease…and with your family’s history of loonies i think this was bound to happen…”

She shuddered…her family’s history of loonies referred to her mother… the once living soul who suffered from chronic depression and more of an ice statue now…she knew both of them were joking but this was bit too much…it was like they were trying to hurt each other and then finally say that it was a joke…but “it was a joke” punchline was not in sight and only hurt was there… she paused for a moment…deliberated whether to stop or go all out and decided to land one final punch

” Yeah…my family’s loonies are quite famous but at least none of them kill themselves unlike the ones on your side..”

His face cringed and she saw that…she regretted the words…she knew he knew exactly what she meant…his nephew’s suicide was not entirely because of mental health issues…but the way she used it was a masterpiece…he was silent…he dropped the paper on side and stood up…then quietly walked up to the door and went outside..

She stood by the window… waiting for the response that never came…

She gazed on the horizon and the bitter hot loo suddenly felt unbearable…she felt the delicate balance nature has… Everything borderlines on something…a little less bitterness and its bland…a little more and it’s unbearable…there has to be balance…maybe she shouldn’t have been so curt and hurtful in her replies…she thought about going out and apologising to him..

The door creaked…his footsteps approached…she smiled inside…he can’t be angry for so long…he came up and stood right behind her…motionless…his breathing heavy…she raised her chin up looked ahead and then turned back…

When her eyes met his… She saw they were bloodshot…he had cried outside the room..

And with all his power he slapped her…

She fell down… horrified. This was the first time she was being hit.

He stooped down and growled “…Consider it a warning. Next time you make fun of my nephew’s death i will show you what insane is..”

He slammed the door and went out…the fan came back to life…the power cut was over…the inverter beeped and started charging again…kids roused a cry of joy in adjoining home… but she kept lying on floor there…her ear throbbing…cheek swollen…tears rolling down… thinking where it all went wrong in that beautiful afternoon.

The Metaphor of Rain

What else is Rain but just falling droplets of water

If no one associates them with some lovely emotions..

And laces those showers with meaty metaphors

dresses and bejewels with expensive coronations..

If you take out the love , the beauty and the pain

what’s left behind is just the actual precipitations..

that seem to make the day more humid and gloomy

and seems that love and rain have no correlations.. 

But thank God my friend for this isn’t the truth

And there is a definite beauty in this rain to see..

And perhaps if a tired soul like me ever forgets

You are always there to remind it to me.

 

To Her..

I wish life was more 
then just a series of accidents..
I wish there was a destiny..
Some grand scheme of things..
If our maker could act director..
Who sorted life with rules..
And those who seek the flight
Were entitled to the wings..

I wish everything wasn’t
So very damn complicated..
Those who wander troubled
Would actually find some peace..
And there would be no shackles
For souls to stay trapped
All confined to themselves
May get that deserved release..

I wish there was some theory
to understand our emotions..
Why we love or hate someone
Without having a single clue..
And I hope against the hope that
Maybe with a lifetime’s study
Someone may someday explain 
how much is my loving for you..

First Cry..

I wonder how eager we are to make sense out of the first words of our babies.. The incoherent “Aaa-Baa” is often translated with our own love to something meaningful. We make efforts to communicate with the baby with just these bare minimum words and often do it successfully..maybe this act of finding something meaningful out that seemingly meaningless thing is what makes the child grow eventually.

I start my first step here with the same intention.. to turn the incoherent thoughts in me into something meaningful..

Looking forward to your feedback and support.

Thanks 🙂